For a while I lived with some old man. He found me in a vacant apartment. That was cool until he got sick of all my antics. He was always calling me a punk and telling me that one day I would get what was coming to me. What can I say? I developed boobs and a bad attitude. After I almost killed a friend by locking her in a refrigerator during an innocent game of hide and seek, he he shipped me off to the Sacred Heart Reform School for Girls. That was fine with me - old men stink anyway.

Catholic school at first was neat. We learned lots and lots of stories. It was like going to a fantasy camp. After a while, I didn't know what to do with myself, but one day my prayers were answered! I remember it was hot that day and all the nuns were sweating in their habits. Mass seemed endless. I went up to take communion; the priest stunk of hot wine and Funyuns. I swallowed the wafter and sat down. After about 17 minutes I started to feel kind of funny. It was like my brain was on a Princess Carnival Cruise. I went outside to puke. I was sitting out back near the parking lot when the most amazing thing happened. There I was, getting ready to die from eating a tainted wafer, when the Virgin Mary appeared!

At first I thought we were having a staring contest, but then she winked at me. It got really bright and music started playing. Then she started roller skating. There was the Virgin Mary, skating around the parking lot in all her robes and everything. She was turning, jumping and skating backwards! I couldn't stop laughing - I was giggling like a skunk eating shit! Then she came right up to me and said "Thou shalt be...." Well, I can't tell you what she really said. The next thing I know, I passed out under a car and woke up with a black eye. From that point on I was known as Punky Bruiser, and I've been skating ever since.